Today was a bit of a downer. I met up with KH, who works at one of the B&B sites near Rice Bowl, a WIC office, HeadStart, and Asian Resources. Being able to hang around that area and around social workers was a bit unnerving for me. Not because I didn't enjoy it - I really did like it - but it brought back feelings of inadequacies for myself and my need to feel like I have to work and the whole pressure of finding social work opportunities for myself. And the frustration is that I'm not sensing any open doors, and so far God is just telling me to stay put. Which I have to keep reminding myself that its an okay thing to not be employed... but there are subtle remarks here and there on the fact that I am "not doing anything" and just "bumming around". The performance-oriented side of me is emerging, and the anxiety of not having "good enough" skills for whatever future work God has me to do later. UCK. I hate feeling this way and feeling inadequate and yucky. Part of me feels pressure to do it the world's way (and allowing myself to be defined by how the world sees me) and seeing Wayne building and honing his career skills doesn't make me feel any better. Isn't that terrible? Rather than being supportive, I get jealous. *sigh* Still a work-in progress here...
I just have to keep reminding myself that God will appropriately equipt me for whatever work He has for me, and its not my business to be worrying about things that He'll take care of, rather than myself. "Trusting God" is the most cliche, yet the most profound and incredibly difficult task to take on. Blech.
Posted by Ruth at 3/19/2003
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