Ruth's Ramblings

My raging interior

Hubby tells me I am an angry person inside. The strong opinions, my fiestiness, my stubborness, and almost "militant" attitude (as he calls it) of handling certain things are some indicators of this. Today I am feeling particularly irate. It's like a ball of fire growing bigger and bigger until I am shaking... and then it releases almost accidentally and usually in big bursts.

People can psychoanalyze me and say that I am an angry person because of my background and upbringing. That may be true; other family members seem to be going down the same path as well. What am I angry about? Not sure. Injustice? Discrimination? Being treated less than who I really am? Being lied to? Being disrespected? Being manipulated? Being STEPPED ON? Perhaps.

I used to internalize all my anger towards myself, which only hurts and damages myself and my self-worth. Now, as an adult, I know about healthy boundaries and giving responsibility to where it's due (and alot of it isn't on me). As I rebuild my boundaries and they get stronger, the angrier I get. There are days where I am literally blinded by anger, hate, and rage. I am shaking with fury.

I'm tired of textbook answers that don't make sense. I'm tired of stupid people (don't waste my time). I'm tired of responses from people who think they can help me when in fact, they are insulting me with stupidity. I'm tired of people who don't know what they're talking about, and who don't live in reality (and expect me to do the same). I know people get nervous from a post like this. Does that mean you'll be nervous to approach me the next time you see me? Are you scared when I get real about myself? (At this point, do you think I care?)

My patience has run out.

Posted by Ruth at 5/11/2004