Ruth's Ramblings

Thanking God for Brokenness

I first started praying for the concept of brokenness to be evident in my life back in college. It was pretty revolutionary for me back then, and back then I wasn't quite sure exactly why brokenness would be good for me or my personal growth. But somewhere inside something was tugging me to pray that type of prayer, because there was something to this "brokenness" that I can glean from.

Towards the latter part of my undergrad days to the days of my upcoming wedding, it dawned on me on what it meant to praise God despite troubling circumstances and pain. Of course I knew that most of my growth would have to come out of some sort of pain (or "growing pains", as some put it). But it wasn't until this year that I realize that those very "pains" keep reoccuring in my life for the very reason of breaking me down. Yes, God is breaking me down.

And no, at this particular time I don't think God is breaking me down because He wants to build me back up in a renewed sense (although some can see as such). In fact, I don't see any "rebuilding" of any kind in the near future. I am actually starting to realize that God is slowly breaking me down because my will is so strong, I can't see anything past my own selfish desires and motives... and the only way for Him to get my attention and to get me to listen and submit to Him is to BREAK ME DOWN.

Repeatedly I see myself get in the way of God working in me over and over and over again. In my eyes, when I begin conducting life centered around myself and what I want, I make it difficult to be receptive to the Holy Spirit trying to break through and work in and through me. Because I'm so hardened, it's difficult to listen, it's difficult to be teachable, it's difficult to desire God, it's difficult to submit, it's difficult to obey. For these reasons, I realize why John says what he says:

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30 (NAS)

When my stubborn, independent, selfish, headstrong willfulness is finally broken, I fall on my knees and become pliable, humble, teachable, and open. And it isn't until I am in that manner that the Holy Spirit can work in me and cause me to grow. And that's why I tearfully prayed (and thanked God) for brokeness today.

Posted by Ruth at 4/26/2004