Ruth's Ramblings

Private Thoughts

(I'm going to be a bit candid, so be sensitive here)

Been in a bit of a funk the past month. Part of it due to family drama, the other part, not quite sure. Probably because it's Christmas and every Christmas since I got married has been a little difficult. They get a bit better every year though, but I'm always reminded of my family this time of year. This year in particular, was a bit crushing because I realized that things haven't improved and that I really don't know what's going on at home. I have to rely on my siblings to let me know what the climate is there; what to do and what not to do that would make things worse (e.g. the dilemna of sending a Christmas card home - bad idea). I really don't know what's going on at home or what's being said about me at home, and I feel like an outsider - naive and a bit clueless. What to do? Where to go? What do I hope in (if anything)? Where do I put my heart? Fragile and lost.

The other part is probably feeling like a loss of solid community. Feeling caught in between a couple worlds, and neither seem quite right (or stable enough). We do have plenty of friends - and I do feel incredibly grateful for the valuable brothers and sisters around me. Perhaps I'm not grateful enough. Needing more humility. More faith.

And speaking of community, recently a couple changed churches because of their perception of lack of serving opportunities. It made me think twice; first of all, they were our friends, and they didn't say a word about leaving this church (which is fine - we don't mind people coming in and out, but I guess I had hoped we could KIT better). Second, the idea of leaving a church just because you feel that you weren't able to serve in a particular way - that's new to me. Maybe that wasn't their exact reasoning behind their choice, but it made me think twice about evaluating my own standing with my own faith community. Why am I here? What keeps me here? What would (should) lead me elsewhere?

After some talk with my husband, we reached some personal conclusions. First of all, I really do think that when we're in a community, our own perception of how God will use us in the Body may not be what He has in mind at all. We're trying to be open to whatever He wants to do in and through us (reminder: Don't limit God!). Second, we identified certain burdens/passions we had personally, and used those as a gauge as to where we could best grow and pursue those things. That talk helped alot (Wayne definately has more faith than I do - thank goodness for that) and it allowed me to see more untapped opportunities at the faith community we're currently at. Perhaps God does have in mind more purposes for us here.

I may struggle with the lack of answers and foresight to what's going on, where we are going, and what's ahead of us, but it really just boils down to one thing: I will just have to ask for more faith.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see... (Hebrews 11:1)

Posted by Ruth at 12/22/2004