Ruth's Ramblings

Time of Testing: The Cold Reality

Be careful of what you pray for, as they say.

Maybe that last post was written too prematurely. But then again, I wouldn't take it back. I just didn't know that I'd get an answer so fast and so suddenly. My foundation was shaken a bit but I think I'm ok for now.

I think I am just really disappointed that everything is still the same. The dysfunctionality at home is still the same. Even worse, I haven't made much progress with my issues either. One little slip, and I dissolve into a big mess. Needless to say, I've been quite fragile this week.

But my disappointment makes me realize that my hopes and expectations for healing and reconciliation and forgiveness and all that stuff was not realistic at all. I had warned myself against getting my hopes up to high so I won't get hurt when they are dashed... and look at me now. So frustrating.

Being away from home has really sheltered me from the toxicity, but it has also kept me disconnected with the reality of what is really happening, what is still happening. This disappointment is beyond just disappointment, its become pure frustration because I know my hands are tied and anything and everything in the world I try to do can't fix it. Hubby says I have alot of pent up anger in me that I'm not aware of, and he's probably right. This week I tapped into it and was surprised at what I saw inside. So disappointing. So helpless at what to do. So frustrating.

Which is exactly where God wants me to be. It's not about what you can do, He gently reminds me, It's about where you are.. stay close to Me and I'll give you My Rest. Let go of your grip and let Me take over.

With that, my prayers were answered and my faith grew.

Posted by Ruth at 12/10/2004