Been thinking for quite sometime now that I have a few chips on my shoulder... all stemming from the recent events the past couple years (which isn't an excuse, but if you need an explanation where they come from, then that's that). Not sure how to smooth over my rough spots/hot buttons... I guess it takes time and patience and healing. But there have been things I absolutely loathe... 1) people stereotyping me and assuming I'm a particular way and I feel constrained and not free to be myself and accepted as such; 2) people telling me what to do and talking to me like I'm stupid or a little kid (like what my dad used to do)... this includes people going over my head and not thinking I'm significant enough or intelligent enough or mature enough to figure it out on my own.
My dad would contact my friends (without my knowledge) and go over my head in meddling with how I should conduct my relationships and friendships. I'm not 5 years old. I can figure out for myself these things. The most maddening thing that broke my trust of my parents is when my dad called Wayne long-distance (I have no idea how he got Wayne's number).. and this was after 9 months of dating... and without my knowledge, told Wayne to break up with me, and not tell me that they had that conversation. Wayne immediately said he couldn't not tell me of my dad's request, because this relationship was mine as well, and I should have a say in it. My dad was miffed at a young man questioning his command (my dad's good at persuading others and pressuring/bullying others and not very good at hearing people say "no" to him) but Wayne was firm. My dad took Wayne's attitude as disrespect of my family and elders... and when I heard about that conversation, I was so angry at my parents for treating me like my input was insigificant and unnecessary. This is MY life and I was feeling suffocated. I remember when I was living at my parents place (after graduation) and how everyone was scared to call me at home... lest they get my dad on the phone (which means I won't be getting my phone messages -- since he wanted to control who I talked to) and get yelled at. I was really lonely as a result of it. My parents even tried to limit my "influence" on my younger siblings... thinking that I was a "bad influence" on others. Wayne was the only one who wasn't scared... he was mostly worried about his behavior causing me grief in my own household. The chips on my shoulder stem from me never feeling accepted for who I was within my own family/parents (there was a time when they even approached me with remorse, apologizing for "messing up" on me) and feeling suffocated and not able to be myself and have the room to grow. And when I broke free and ignored their attempts to get me back, I got 1) yelling; 2) threats; 3) pleading. I ignored them all -- I was determined not to live my life in a cage. And with that, now I have the silent treatment. It's supposed to manipulate me to make me feel guilty and its supposed to hurt me .... but at the same time, they are hurting themselves. As Gene once said.. its really sad to see that they are so willing to hurt me, by hurting themselves. Other pastors (Peter F., Tom C., Alan G., Art L., Howard C., Peter W.) have encouraged me to press on and pray for my parents and continue to love them and honor them in the best ways I can (without giving into their demands).
But that was ages ago (or at least it seems so). So much has changed since then. I look back and I miss my parents so much, but at the same time, I am SO RELIEVED to be out of that house. I'll still be doing the same thing I've always done (from a distance).... and that is to continue writing them and sending them the message that I'm not mad at them, I'm here and ready to reconcile as long as they are ready to accept Wayne as my husband. I'm still going to send them wedding pictures... every parent should have pictures of their children's wedding anyways. That's the least I can do. With these experiences, I have learned quite a bit on how Wayne and I don't want to raise our kids...
Posted by Ruth at 11/19/2002
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