Ruth's Ramblings

Maintaining Changing Friendships

A random subject, I know. But lately I've been thinking about them the past couple years. As seasons of life come and go, friendships sway back and forth as well. Some get stronger, some get weaker, some take more effort, some need no effort at all. Some begin, and sadly, some end.

As I tend to be a sensitive friend, there were times in the past that I was hurt by unreciprocated friendships (aka: flaky or needy friends). As I got older, I learned to have thicker skin, and keep certain friends at arm's length (so I wouldn't get hurt from them again) and not expect much from them. And today, I think I'm alot better. Rather than get hurt and offended, I actually start subscribing to a new philosophy towards friendships - whatever the other person puts into the friendship is how much I'll put in as well. As a married woman, I'm beginning to feel alot more tolerant and even comfortable with one-sided friendships - those that go only one way. I don't mind giving more than I take, just as long as that individual doesn't suck all my resources and energy dry. And as the other person contributes to the friendship/relationship, I am able to see how and how much they put in, and that tells me how much this friendship means to them and what priority they place it. If it looks like it may be a low priority, then that's ok. I'll adjust my commitment level accordingly as well - to whatever comfort level the other person prefers.

I think I'm able to adjust these friendships like this without requiring as much on my part because it feels like I don't depend on friendships as much as I did when I was single. Don't get me wrong though - I still need my share of girlfriends and such - but Wayne is such a stabilizing force in my life, that I no longer feel like I have to have so many of my needs/expectations met through others around me, and thus, I'm able to give more. Even so, I still do get burnt out by some severely lopsided friendships around me, but that has more to do with boundaries and that's a whole other subject to tackle (for another day). =P

Posted by Ruth at 1/29/2004