Ruth's Ramblings

Yesterday I turned in my thesis to the Division of Social Work, and this morning I got a call from the Department Chair..... and now I have to completely re-do my formatting. ARGH. I knew it would be too good to be true. *sigh*

Last night the girls came over to do some crafts -- we painted wooden ornaments, it was fun. I'm starting to notice things about myself... that I can't host and coordinate activities at the same time. I can host and have someone else coordinate, or I can coordinate and have someone host, but not both. It's too tiring. These accountability nights need to be delegated a bit more clearer. But that's another story. Anyways, Jason Mok came while the girls were cleaning up, and he stayed the night because he had a UCD interview for their internal med program. He met some of the girls last night. I didn't tell Jason this, but a sudden idea popped in my head that Jason could potentially be a good fit for one of the girls. I ran that idea past Wayne, who said he didn't have enough information to be playing matchmaker with Jason. Darn.

Currently feeling a bit smothered. Needing some space in some of my friendships. I feel like the worst friend in the world for saying this, but not only am I caught in the middle again (this is the third time?), but I'm also sick of hearing alot of whining. I try my best to be there for them and all that, but there comes a point where I have limits. Besides, I'm not so much of a sappy person, so the machoness (as Wayne calls it) inside of me is gagging at all the whining. Gosh I feel so guilty for writing this. Especially so public on my blog. But hey, that's how I'm feeling and its real. Several people mentioned to me that perhaps its because I'm so approachable and a great listener. Wayne also pitched in that part of the reason is because of his unavailability, so I have to front it all. Which *shouldn't* be bad... but ever since I got engaged, I've seen an incredible influx of my male friends starting to confide in me. I try my best to be a compassionate person and if our friends are going through stuff, hey, I'm there. But I'm starting to feel that I can't always be there 100% all the time when they want me (or Wayne) to be there. I'm a bad person for saying this? Maybe I need my own outlets, rather than be everyone's outlet...? Enough is enough....(and I still feel incredibly guilty for saying that... yikes)

I'm also noticing quite a bit of lion in me roaring to come out, and my golden retriever is shrinking... =O Terrible, huh? It's like a major battle in the brain... there are times when I really want to say things straightout, get it off my chest, shoot from the hip, and bang. But the other side of me holds the lion back, worried about hurt feelings and confrontation and such. And yet the lion is all geared up for a full head-on collision... argh. I hate myself for feeling guilty (see above) and not being able to have my feelings validated. Argh. The multiple personalities that I have to hold back. =)

Posted by Ruth at 12/03/2002