Woke up with really puffy eyelids this morning. Spent much of last night frustrated and angry from circumstances and individuals. It was almost like a cumulation of my feelings as a failure, and that I had somehow failed in some of my responsibilities. Outcomes aren't what I wanted them to be, and the frustration of circumstances and individuals being a barrier to those outcomes is a source of my anger. From the beginning I've felt as if I was going an uphill path by myself, and some around me tell me they are glad I'm doing it, yet they are unwilling to help out in any way. I'm reminded that I can't do this BY MYSELF, and with the frustration of not having others partner with me puts more burden on me. And again, because I can't do this BY MYSELF I'm ultimately reminded (by my husband, of course) that this isn't my m, its God's. Who ever said that m was easy and predictable? These are lessons of steadfastness and endurance with persistant faith. A different sort than the lessons I had with my family in the past years, but the same message nonetheless. Never felt such a need for prayer than now.
On another note, I was just told that my brother dropped out of school. I'm half relieved and half worried for him. I had a hunch that this med thing wasn't going to go anywhere (especially with my dad forging the chicago app, but that's another story) and Danny has finally let go of it, and it is a huge relief for him. I'm happy for him. But I'm also still worried about him and Shar and them being so far away. The maternal side of me needs to shut up and remember that he's an adult and can take care of himself, and they are in God's hands. I also hope my parents come to that realization as well, and don't give him much grief.
Posted by Ruth at 3/03/2003
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