Ruth's Ramblings

Our marital spats (from my POV)

As normal as it is for every relationship to have friction, my marriage has its disagreements and arguments, even "fights" if you want to call it that. Hubby and I never really had many arguments during our dating/engagement period, it only actually escalated when we got married (and even then, it was really sparce). As we are married almost 2 years, I think by now we have accumulated just enough arguments to see a pattern of how each of us argue (yes, everyone has a different style/pattern) and in what situation/circumstances do they usually come about.

(I'm starting to notice that not many married couples are very transparent in this area or are uncomfortable admiting it -why is that, I'm not sure- and yes, arguments are very normal... Just because you have a single argument does NOT mean the marriage is falling apart -as some single people may start panicking- and NO, you may not share your "communication skill/tactics" with us married folk if you've never been married and have never indulged in a marital spat before)

I'd like to discuss my personal pattern of marital spats. Mind you, the subjects of our arguments are silly, ridiculous, and petty (as I am usually the instigator, I'll admit that). In the heat of the moment, however, I feel as if the subject is VERY important, almost crucial to the foundation of our relationship and how we relate to each other (if we don't resolve it, how can we ever resume our relationship???). At the moment, I am fixated on getting my feelings/thoughts across and being understood, heard, and affirmed in how I feel. I am also not in the capacity of wanting to hear hubby's point of view (any tone of defense on his part tells me that he's not listening to ME). As you can see, it's a very ego-centric way of communicating, and the only way to resolve it is: 1) for Hubby to give in (most likely will happen); 2) for me to give in (least likely to happen); or 3) for us to agree to disagree (which will never happen on my end of things).

AFTER the moment has passed (which means I have come to my senses and have transformed from being an emotionally warped wreck to a rationally level-headed person), I realize how stupid the basis of the argument was, and I approach Hubby and apologize and ask for forgiveness. He, of course, always takes me back with a big hug.

12 months of this, I start realizing that there is a pattern... 90% of these arguments happen a week before my period starts (for some reason, every little thing is a REALLY BIG DEAL right before my period). Hubby is hesitant to mention to me that perhaps I am PMSing (he's a smart man for hesitating). Instead, I begin to build the insight (and courage) to admit it after the argument/moment has passed and I (again) apologize for my warped-emotional state of mind.

24 months of marriage, I begin realizing this right IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ARGUMENT. This happened just last week - I am emotionally fuming yet trying my best to think with my head (but do you know how difficult it is to be rational right before your period comes???). And right in the middle of my emotional tantrum, the sudden thought occurs to me: I think I am PMSing. Of course I don't admit this thought aloud to Hubby right then and there; if I did, I'd lose the argument (on the account of my silly hormones) and who wants to lose when you think the issue at hand is oh-so-important! (My pride is too big for that.) But the thought is still lingering in my head and somewhere deep inside my rational subconscious, I am thinking that maybe sometime in the future (maybe it'll take another year of marriage?) I'll realize my state of mind before I instigate anymore arguments. But I do see this as a sign of improvement on my part. Hubby, on the other hand, is still very understanding (later, he bought me mocha almond fudge ice cream so I can feel better... isn't that sweet?) even though he'll admit women are still very confusing.

Posted by Ruth at 5/24/2004