Reflecting
...on life and relationships. I'm reminded lately that my strong desire for a mentor (and my draw towards any older figure around me) is a direct result of my real desire for a mothering figure. I miss having a daughter-mother relationship. Last Mother's Day I was missing my mom alot. Alot of it was because another lady told me she could be my surrogate mom (because of my broken relationship with my parents), and that she could even be the godmother of my future children. Instead of feeling incredibly honored, I actually came away feeling unusually sad and a bit hurt. I'm appreciative of this friend's offer, but I ended up concluding that my heart felt troubled because I realized that no one can replace my own mom. Others can play a similar mother-role, but none can actually be my flesh-blood mom.
I hate sharing my emotions (or being vulnerable) in this way, so I rarely talk about it, or even in person I shrug it off or even joke about it. But in truth, I avoid it alot because it still hurts like hell. I'm still struggling with forgiveness and the subtle bitterness that has crept in my heart this past year. But as I was reminded by Lewis Smedes, my journey to forgiveness is MY OWN journey, no one can force me or push me along (if you're trying to push me, don't be surprised if I bite back at you). Everyone has their own pace in healing and learning to trust God with it. Reconciliation isn't as easy as people think it is - I'm realizing that it still hurts to much to even think about the big "R" word. I'm not ready for it yet; it's too scary. And God knows my heart in this.
In anycase, for some odd reason, I'm missing her alot today. And it's driving me crazy. I hate feeling this way.
Posted by Ruth at 11/11/2005
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