Been doing some reflecting and looking back at the past couple years lately. I got a chance to share a bit of it the past week during the girls' night. Some of the questions posed to me during the past accountability night went something like this:
Q: What have you learned about yourself recently?
A: That I'm not a bad person, truly. I've always dealt with an extremely low self-esteem while growing up... there were times when I just loathed myself and couldn't stand myself. A couple years ago, my parents even approached me with an attitude of remorse, apologizing for "messing up" on me. Half of me was sorry too... for being such a screw up. The other half of me was outraged that they would even say such a thing to me... because I WASN'T what they thought I was. I struggled with my parents comments, and consciously came to the conclusion that I was NOT a screw-up or a lost cause, as my parents may think. I am an intelligent, attractive, bright young woman with alot of special gifts and a great personality, and an overall WONDERFUL person that deserves to be treated so, damn it!! So all in all, these past couple years I've gained a bit more of my self-confidence and a better sense of who I am as an individual and who I am in Christ.
Q: What have you learned about God recently?
A: That God isn't out to get me. Really. All my life, I've always thought of God similarly to how I saw my earthly father (naturally). Which wasn't a terrific picture, but culturally influenced. It's not like my dad wanted me to be happy (or even cared about my personal happiness), but it was all about what was good for me. Things/situations that are "good" for me don't necessarily have to be happy things... many times they are downright painful and terrible. But the chinese thing (and I equated this to the "Christian-thing" as well) was to shut-up, bite the bitter pill, and just swallow. In the name of growth and maturity and "what's in the best interest for me", whatever that means. And in terms of God, He very well must be just the same. Every trial and difficult circumstance that comes across my way (which seems to be quite often) must be in the name of "spiritual growth" because God only cares for my growth and my maturity, no matter how I feel inside. It doesn't matter if I'm devastated or depressed or whatnot. What ever happiness that does come into my life, I've learned to expect that it will very well be taken away from me sooner or later, because I just need to learn a lesson from whatever pain I will soon experience. And when Wayne entered my life, I figured that it was too good to be true... so that must mean God will take him away from me (e.g. Wayne will break-up with me, or by some circumstances I'll lose him). To this day, Wayne still jokes around that with this relationship (now marriage) comes a "no-dying clause", because of my intense fear that if Wayne doesn't intend on breaking up with me (or let anyone, like my parents, break us up), then that must mean God will take Wayne away by force (death). Call me crazy, but I was terrified that Wayne was going to die on me (sometimes even now, I relapse and still fear this).
But as time went on, I came to the conclusion that Wayne is here to stay, no matter what... and even with my happiness and a taste of the blessings in our lives, God has no intention of taking that away from me just so I can be miserable and "grow". In fact, I found out that God yearns to bless me with all sorts of things, just as long as I ask Him. And He is just waiting for me to ask. And I'm not saying that growth doesn't come with pain, because many times it does. But it doesn't mean that God is meanspirited as I had grown up to think. He truly does love me deeply, and wants so much to bless me. And today, I am experiencing just a taste of it, and already, my cup is overflowing -- so much that I really can't find the words to express it. It's been good. Really good.
Posted by Ruth at 11/09/2002
0 Comments
Post a Comment
« Home