Ruth's Ramblings

Friendships with married folk*

Ok, so this is going to be another married vs. single rant, so bear with me here. And if you don't get it (or don't care), either way, you're going to have to deal with it when you get a serious S.O. or a wife/husband, so this issue is bound to find you no matter what.

These rules may vary per couple (depending on individual comfort/security), but the general principles are the same: Being friends with married folk, particularly those of the opposite gender (e.g. a close friendship between a married man and another girl or a married woman and another guy), need to be handled with a certain amount of respect for the other spouse that may or may not be included in that friendship. If a gal is being super chummy with my husband (e.g. creating an intimacy in their friendship through deep sharing, etc.) and I am somewhat excluded from that intimacy, you better be sure that I'm not too thrilled about that friendship nor that girl. That goes the other way too - if a guy feels close enough to me that he can share his deepest darkest secrets with me but feels uncomfortable sharing that same intimacy with my husband, its going to create an awkwardness for me and for my husband. The reason for the awkwardness is, that intimacies apart/excluded from the marriage creates a precedence of things NOT shared in a marriage and areas of secrecy kept in such a way that could potentially create alot of problems later down the road. And as a married couple, we don't want to go down that road.

Now, that being said, I'd like to put an exception to this general principle with friendships of the opposite gender that existed BEFORE your S.O. came into your life... sometimes the friendships you form during your single life, may or may not always translate amiably when you begin your new life/relationship with your S.O.... and that's understandable. My guy-friendships had to shift a bit when I started dating Wayne, and when we got married, they had to shift even more. But for the sake of not completely obliterating the friendship, its probably best that the friend make a concerted effort to get to know the new S.O. and extend/share the friendship with that individual (thus, including them in it so as to avoid awkwardness and perpetuate insecurities). For example, C has been a very old, but very close guy-friend of mine before I ever met Wayne, and it would sure suck to lose that friendship. Instead, I did my best to include Wayne in that friendship of mine, and he has done his best to do the same.

With the general principle stated, here are some ground rules for people who STILL don't get it:

1) If you're a GUY, and you are sharing all these intimacies with me that you would rather me not tell my husband (or you don't feel comfortable sharing with him yourself), then do yourself a favor and don't even bother talking to me. You make me feel weird, and you make my husband feel weird for being excluded.

2) If you are a GIRL, and you are sharing all these intimacies with Wayne that you would rather not tell me (or you don't feel comfortable sharing with me yourself), then do yourself a favor and don't even bother talking to Wayne. You'll make me a very jealous and suspicious wife - not of Wayne, but of YOU.

3) If you are expecting me to keep a confidence, and specifically share your secret with absolutely no one, including my husband - you're in for a surprise. The things I share with my husband, are absolutely no one's business but our own. I understand the seriousness of your confidence, and I am honored that you would trust me to share it with me. But dictating what I share and what I don't share with my husband is a bit over the top. Let ME figure out how I want to conduct my marriage and what we share, not you. The intimacies between me and my husband are private. AND first priority. With that being said, confidences shared with either myself or Wayne are kept with the utmost respect and privacy, but don't require us to keep it from each other. And we don't always indulge and gossip about every little tidbit that comes our way - we just use discernment on things that need to be shared, or don't need to be shared. But again, don't tell me how to figure out the intimacy of my marriage; we dictate how we want to conduct our marriage and what we share among ourselves, not you.

In summary - do your best to think of us more as a unit, and not two seperate people. Again, this goes back to the oneness thing, but I'm not going to go through all of that again on this post.

*Note: None of this applies to friendships of the same gender (except for maybe #3, if you're pushing it).
*Note #2: If you're a married person and you are seeking for deeper relationships outside of your marriage (e.g. a wife feeling more comfortable sharing her biggest/deepest confidences with a male friend rather than her own husband), then you're protentially creating a really weird situation and/or problem. Either 1) stop it, or 2) include your husband in it. This is a whole other issue, but maybe I'll delve into it another time.

Posted by Ruth at 10/06/2003