To be "spiritually minded" simply means to look at earth from heaven's point of view. The spiritually minded believer makes his decisions on the basis of eternal values and not the passing fads of society. (Warren Wiersbe)
Wayne says I'm still young at heart... unbridled raw passion and idealism, which could dangerously lead to a relentless drive towards the impossible and then later, a sorely disappointed, disillusioned, crushed heart. But I have a hunch that even though some of my strengths are at the same time my vices, he fell in love with this side of me despite it. And I admit it -- I am too much of an idealist, expecting too much from every situation, every person, and never satisfied.
Wayne also says that I'm scared to death of settling down. Which is completely 110% true. It's always nice to have someone like Wayne who can articulate what's in my heart... because some things seem too muddled for me to be able to explain it well enough to people. I tried explaining it to Todd and Tracy, and I wasn't sure if they fully understood. They were sympathetic, don't get me wrong, but not quite grasping exactly the emotions I was trying to express.
My perception of "settling down" is a complacent picture of a couple getting married, getting a house, with the only biggest goals of surviving in this world, making a decent living to support a family, raise kids right, and be content with life. The whole damn American dream. Once, in high school, an English teacher took note of my writing skills and convinced me to enter in a writing contest for the state of California. The topic of essay was on the American Dream: What's your American Dream? I hate that topic. What the hell makes my dreams (or anybody else's) American? And then taking that annoying Subject A test (an English placement test for UCs) was ALSO on what my American Dream was. I had such a problem with that -- it's no surprise I didn't get anywhere with the writing contest and I failed Subject A (lucky, I did well enough on my English AP test to surpass my Subject A score, but that's another story). Anyways, about the wretched American Dream. As you can tell, I have an extreme adversion towards it, almost a repulsion for people who are swimming in it, and as Wayne pushed to buy a new house, I was convinced that this new house was the death of our dreams and the beginning of our slavery to the earth.
My times in ZJ really opened my eyes to my life, the world around me, and completely transformed my faith. This new World Christian perspective resulted in a very strained relationship with my nonsupportive parents, and an urging to shift my faith in a new direction. All of a sudden I was determined to hold true to the meaning of being in this world, not of it, and not making this earth my home, but truely yearning after my eternal home (John 15:19; 1 Peter 2:11). I firmly decided to never set my roots and to be "homeless" in this world, and never let the seasons in my life trap me into the small bubble worlds I've seen so many Christians in. Bubble worlds of being consumed by building a home, raising children, making a good living, putting kids through college, worrying and praying for the little insignificant things in life when so much more is happening around the world and in God's Kingdom. Don't get me wrong.. all those things are okay in themselves, but my fear is being consumed by them and letting them shrink my world and my faith... like how a heavy boulder tied to your ankle can pull you down and drown you. I see couples and families around me unknowingly sinking in their bubble worlds, only capable of praying for themselves, and not realizing the mind-boggling amazing and terribly tragic things happening in the spiritual realm all over the world.
I made Wayne promise that we would never end up that way. I'm so desperate -- this house and the whole "settling down" concept drives me so crazy that I feel this need to get out of here for sanity's sake. To recklessly risk myself in the name of faith, go on a missions trip and see a wonderful glimpse of the world through God's eyes, to do what I did when I was single... To own nothing and have my real treasures be inward and eternal only... And on a whim's notice, just go off and save myself.
The dearest idol I have known,
Whate'er that idol be,
Help me to tear it from Thy throne,
And worship only Thee. (William Cowper)
Aim at heaven and you get earth thrown in.
Aim at earth and you get neither. (C.S. Lewis)
Posted by Ruth at 1/06/2003
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