Defective Biological Clock
I've always been mystified by this "biological clock" that women claim to have. I must be missing out, because, really, I don't hear any internal ticking whatsoever. I've never had a timeline made out in my mind on how my life should lay out (I have friends who had planned to be married at 25, kids at 27, what their names are, what cars the family will drive, what neighborhood and house they will live in, etc, the list goes on and on). To me, the future has always been scary, so I've never ventured into thinking what will or might happen. Perhaps in fear of being disappointed? Maybe. So I've made no plans.
With being married, as a single person, I never wished for it. I never wished NOT to, I just kind of let the whole subject sit far away, somewhere in the future, the backburner. Didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with it. I never pined for it, never thought I ought to be at that place at a certain age and then waited eagerly for it.
Then I met Wayne.
I really do think once you meet the right person at the right time, even if you didn't have the desire to get married, all of a sudden, you want forever to start right now. It sounds incredibly cheesy and probably a line from a movie, but I swear, it's completely true. I knew I was young, but when the time came, I knew I was ready.
Now that I'm married, the subject of kids comes into the picture. This is something I've never even imagined would happen to me - never really thought about it, E-V-E-R. So at the wedding when friends are teasing me about when we'll have kids, I freak out, because... hang on there... I still feel like a kid myself!! At the time, I was only 24 years old, freshly emancipated from my parents, newly married. I have a new life to explore for myself as an adult, who has just entered into a new world with another human being.
We're approaching marriage four years now, and I'm turning 29 at the end of this year. Still no ticking. But starting to get nervous from all the comments and questions around me. Should I be worried? Why is it that everyone else feels like their eggs are rotting except for mine? Should I just jump for it? Dive into planning for a family motived by the social pressure around me? Doesn't sound like healthy motivations to me. Will I ever feel ready? Not sure. I don't mind the occasional questions on when we plan on having children (a perfectly legitimate question for people who are curious) but these days, not only are people asking, but they are making comments on my age, like I am not getting younger and implying that time is ticking, my clock is ticking. What clock?!? And I know the stats and risks on ages, no need to repeat it to me again, thank you very much. I'm married to a family doctor, remember?! And since when do people all of a sudden feel like they have to tell everyone what to do, the moment they are pregnant? Who wanted your advice anyways?! I certainly didn't ask for your opinion.
I can't imagine how magical it is to bring a child into the world, I hear from friends how much work but what incredible joy it is. But I take this kind of thing very seriously, and I don't feel quite right making a decision like this based on outside pressure, or just because that's "what you're supposed to do at this age".
Maybe that's it. Maybe in my head I've never thought of living my life through a life-template. In my head there are no rules or guidelines as to where I'm supposed to be at a certain time, or what I'm supposed to do at a certain age, and just because everyone else is doing it.
Maybe I have a defective biological clock. No life-template here, either.
Posted by Ruth at 3/02/2006
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